The heated up flesh with its pungent odor smells like a body on fire. The
sweat soaks the clothes and gets uncomfortable. I almost want to cry for the
old and new me being revealed. “A Rebel without A Clue” would be the title
my life story.
Why in the hell am I going through with this again? Does it hurt more to
these old ink markings than not to? Why again am I going through with this
screams in my head? With 19-20 tattoos I wanted to look normal for others
myself and have fewer eyes on me. Police, old people, and children either
commenting out-loud or with their eyes with surprise, curiosity, contempt or
suspicions. I am just tired of pretending this didn't happen or that it even
It hurts like hell. It's revisiting the old acting out me that is dead.
is something very angry about this self-inflicted pain at each treatment.
There are many of these painful treatments needed to fully remove each
It feels and looks like I'm a mummy with the gauze and bandages and netting
and tape. I am a mummy ghost of sorts in this sad grieving process. There
times I'm so sure I want this and others times when this is confusing as to
why and why now.
It's very expensive and easy to go poor from this cosmetic procedure. I do
how vain this appears? Is this an ego driven process, as was the getting of
tattoos in my teens? To shock others and rebel and either have you scared of
me or like me? Am I so special to be looked at either way? What you think of
my appearance and me is it really that important? (To your judgements and me
Can changing the outer you change the inner you? Does the outer reflect the
inner or the other way around? I get to repeat it and it hurts either way.
I've changed but the tattoos haven't.
What I thought was cool and neat at 16,17,18 years old, with alcohol and
and criminal behavior and gang membership thrown in, is not in this current
42-year-old body. It's not really much of a choice anymore; I want to look
like me and not my past.
HATE on your knuckles isn't very attractive to most regular people that I
live and work around. I'm not in prison anymore. A semi-nude large woman on
the inner arm or the playboy bunny does not exactly attract the love life I
want or currently have. A skull or the snake around the bleeding knife
usually invite friendliness to strangers either. Trying to explain Schlitz
across my shin while playing golf is downright embarrassing. Is it true I
could have been used as a lampshade in world war two?
The addictiveness of getting lots of tattoos tends to kick in as you get
off. It seems it can't happen fast enough. You wait at least 6 long weeks
between treatments. As you make the next appointment you're skin tingles and
crawls with apprehension of promised pain. You get to park next to the
Doctor's new Jaguar that you helped pay for. Oh this all makes for great
conversation, as people see your healing scabs and wonder why you do this,
except for others with tattoos they don't like either.
I remember the time a few months before beginning the first removal
that I was called in to be an extra in Clint Eastwood’s film In The Line Of
Fire. I was to be a secret service agent wearing a tux in the French embassy
state dinner. I was so paranoid the whole day of shooting that anyone
including Clint was going to spot the HATE on my fingers and tell me to get
the hell out of here and not ruin their film. But for that, it could have
a better experience.
There was the first time meeting my future ex-mother-in-law, where she asked
in her politeness if those letters on my knuckles were Greek. She really
want to believe what was there said HATE, gosh, her daughter was in for
Driving across the country in the heart of Texas I was stopped for speeding
early one morning. The State policeman saw the HATE tattoo and asked if I
ever been in prison and I honestly answered "yes". He asked if I had any
firearms in the car and I honestly answered "no". He told me to get out of
car, and could he look around inside the car and get out of the car so he
could pat me down. I drove away with a speeding ticket, hating him and
So in hindsight I would have wished I never had gotten a tattoo and wished I
a self-esteem that could and would let me be me in this world just as I am.
would have been richer inside and out if I never had tattoos. There is
something mature of not having to call attention to yourself at any age. I
sometimes like tattoos on other people and don't always judge others for
choices, only my own.
Check out Perry's Web site at www.geocities.com/soho/coffeehouse/8696.