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The Way of the Superior Man

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women Work and Sexual Desire

Book review Copyright © 1997 by Bert H. Hoff


David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women Work and Sexual Desire (Austin, TX: Plexus, 1997), $23.95. Order on-line

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The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women Work and Sexual Desire
by David Dieda
Order on-line

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Chapter 8: Lean Just Beyond Your Edge
Chapter 11: If You Don't Know Your Purpose, Discover It, Now

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Also by
David Dieda:

Intimate Communion:
Awakening Your Sexual Essence


book cover
It's a Guy Thing:
An Owner's Manual for Women


The "Superior Man"? I must say, I was originally put off by the title of this book. I'm leery of those who view themselves as "superior." Superior to what? But it didn't take me long at all to get into the book, and it's clear that Deida does not mean "superior to women," but "so I can have a superior relationship with a woman." "Superior" means "superior rather than mediocre," not "superior to something."

The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women Work and Sexual Desire, by David Deida, author of Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence and It's a Guy Thing: An Owner's Manual for Womenis worth it. It is for the unabashedly masculine, neither Macho or SNAG, a readable, practical guide not nearly as pretentions as its title. It's for a man who has done some "Men's Work" or "inner work" already, or at least already has done some honest introspection. Even after doing some of this work, things don't automatically go smoothly in life--of course! And it remains difficult, sometimes, to figure out what's going on in the workplace or in the relationship. This book helps, because it makes sense of a lot of things.

The "superior man"?

This book is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine--he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor--and he is sensitive, spontaneous and spiritually alive, with a heart-commitment to discovering ad living his deepest truth.

This man is totally turned on by the feminine. He loves to take his woman sexually, to ravish her, but nit in some old-style macho fashion. Rather, he wants to ravish her with so much love, she is vanished, they both vanish, in the fullness of loving itself. He is dedicated to incarnating love on this earth, through his work and his sexuality, and he does so as a free man, bound neither by outward convention or inner cowardice.

This newly evolving man is not a scared bully, posturing like some King Kong in charge of the universe. Nor is he a new age wimp, all spineless, smiley, and starry-eyed. He has embraced both his inner masculine and feminine, and he no longer holds onto either of them. He doesn't need to be right all the time, nor does he always need to be always safe, cooperative and sharing, like an androgynous Mr. Nice Guy. He simply lives from his deepest core, fearlessly giving his gifts, feeling through the fleeting moment into the openness of existence, totally committed to magnifying love.

It would be difficult, of course, for anyone to actually live up to this billing. But this book can point you in that direction. Perhaps this is why Ken Wilber says that this book "is quite wonderful." "Few are the books that discuss strong sexuality within strong spirituality, instead of tepid sexuality diluted by a mediocre spiritual stance.

The book sets out in practical and concise language clear and simple advice, each in a short section. Much of this is stuff we "already know," but need reminding of from time to time. So it's worthwhile to keep this book around, just to pick up from time to time, scan the table of contents, and read one of the 3-8 page sections that attracts you at the time.

Let me give you an example. The first part of the book, "A Man's Way," lays out these precepts:

  • Stop hoping for completion in anything in life.
  • Live with an open heart even if it hurts.
  • Live as if your father were dead.
  • Know your real edge and don't fake it.
  • Always hold to your deepest realization.
  • Never change your mind just to please a woman.
  • Your purpose must come before your relationship.
  • Lean just beyond your edge.
  • Do it for love.
  • Enjoy your friends' criticism.
  • If you don't know your purpose, discover it, now. Be willing to change everything in your life. Don't use your family as an excuse. Don't get lost in the tasks and duties. Stop hoping for your woman to get easier.
(There are similar parts for dealing with women, working with polarity ad energy, what women really want, your dark side, feminine attractiveness, body practices, and men's and women's yoga of intimacy.)

Sound simple, don't they? Unless you have to put them to work in your own life. If one of the precepts make you go "Gulp!" you'll probably want to read that section. Do some of them sound like "iron-clad" rules, or sound outrageous? As Deida lays out his explanation for each of these, you're likely to decide that what he says does make a lot of sense.

At heart, this is a book about sexual energies, sexual essences. About 90% of the people have a more masculine or a more feminine sexual essence. Men who have a stronger masculine sexual essence are drawn toward women who have strong feminine essences, while those who are more balanced seek partners who are also more balanced. There's no "judgment" in saying this; people are just difference. Building from this, Deida makes a point similar to Aaron Kipnis and Liz Herron in What Women and Men Really Want (originally published as Gender War, Gender Peace) (order on-line) and James Sniechowski and Judith Sherven in The New Intimacy. (order on-line) The goal is to honor and respect these differences. Or more precisely in the case of this book, to dance the dance of creative engagement, allowing you to be true to your own sexual essence and drawing out hers.

The book makes no concessions to "political correctness" or concerns about "stereotyping." Thus, Deida is free to say things like, "Feminine women are free to feel flows of natural livingness that you are unaware of. They are free to be moved by currents of energy of which most men are unaware. They are free to allow their bodies to be transparent to the flow of their hearts, uncontrolled and undirected by goals and structure." The book is very refreshing. Are the comments "fair" or "accurate"? That's not the point. All Deida asks is for you to be open to the possibility that they are true for you, and just see if these ideas work in your own life. The book has made me more appreciative of my own wife, and more tolerant about things like "logical thinking" and "goal-directedness." As Deida so wisely points out, it's all one package. You can't have it both ways.

Many of us interested in "Men's Work" are middle-aged. The "Baby Boom" generation is hitting male menopause. As Jed Diamond so aptly points out in his book Male Menopause, this is an invitation, not to chase after young Bimbos, but to open to a deeper, richer sex life. That's why our section on male menopause opens with the question, "Is there sex after 50?" Deida's section "Feminine Attractiveness" is particularly relevant, especially is short and to-the-mark chapter "Allow Older Women Their Magic" and "Turn Your Lust Into Gifts." These set the stage well for the last section of the book, "Men's and Women's Yoga of Intimacy." Nothing weird here. Just some well-written and clear practical guidance in turning the "dance of creative engagement" into "the alchemical marriage" in your own sexual and spiritual life, in this world, with your partner.

As you may have gathered, I highly recommend this book. It takes a practical, common-sense approach in laying out clearly, succinctly and convincingly some profound truths that will help you on your Path to a fuller, richer life for yourself and for your partner.

Related Books:

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The New Intimacy:
Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences

by Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
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Beyond the Blame Game
by Dmitri Bilgere
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